1. Over-reaction
   
2. Habit

This program is based on a discipline called Rational Emotive Therapy -- or "RET." RET was developed in the 50's by Dr. Albert Ellis. The specific course today was developed by Dr. Tom Miller. You will find more on his thinking and teaching in a three-video set (with workbooks) which you may order from CareerTrack. You may also want to get Dr. Miller's Book, The Unfair Advantage.

We begin by considering what are Emotions?

Four distinct actions happen when things take place:

1. There's the event.
   
2. Then follows an interpretation of the event.
   
3. Then there's an emotional response to the event.
   
4. Finally, there's a behavior demonstrated in keeping with the nature of our emotional response.

The Event | (The causative agent)
The Interpretation     |      (The key to the process)
The Emotional Response (Reaction) | (The Respondent's Behavior)

Don't believe the kind of philosophy you hear in John Denver's song "Sunshine on My Shoulder." External things don't cause what you feel. You do!

Remember the 7 Do's: He do; She do; You do; I do; He do; She do; You do. Mostly, we blame others, not ourselves, for what we feel. That's all wrong! Nothing has the power to cause your emotions but you! Until one takes responsibility for what he/she does and feels, no positive change can occur due to your "locked-in excuses." That "stuff" that goes on in your brain is instantaneous. It's all been learned. Practiced!

The "I do" response comes from the emotions that one (I) feels. We are responsible for our own emotions. Any time you get overly upset over anything, who does that? You do! But most of us tend to blame it on othersCto attempt to transfer the blame.

We're all practicing learned behavior. Anything (any behavior) that's been learned can be unlearned. So "break up the imperfect cement in your lives."

Make sure your assessments/evaluations (interpretations) are true. Then take action to make things happen.

What are your options if you don't like the way you're "being treated?"

1. Tell others to "stop it." You say, "You stop what's bothering me." (But can anyone control what another person does? And even if you can/couldCand such manipulation might work, it would only be temporary.)
   
2. Try to "transfer" them. (Rather than giving an honest appraisal.) Don't avoid conflict: deal with it. "Either perform or move on." Be honest, forthright; you can't fire someone if you've been lying on their performance appraisals!
   
3. Be personally responsible. Accept within yourself the responsibility for what happens. Learn to change your behavior/reactions to events and circumstances.

Performance improvement means behavioral change! Be consciously aware of what price you want to pay for your emotions. Do not over-react. Use the event as it is. Deal with it as it is.

Most of the time we use what's called "back door logic." And most often it's not accurate! Learn good back door logic and use it.

We think with our brain! We feel with our gut. Our reactions to events - our behavior - should be guided by our brain, not our gut.

There are two parts of the brain:

• The Limbic System   --   The unconscious, and the
  
• Neocortex   --   The Conscious. Think of these parts as the "Horse" and the "Rider" :
• Limbic System   --   The Unconscious   --   The Horse
  
• Neocortex   --   The Conscious   --   The Rider.

  A teaching model:

  
  The Rider
  The Horse

  When we start to learn, it's a very conscious process. Remember when you were first learning to drive a car? Then the more we do it, the more deeply embedded it becomes in our subconscious. The "Horse" then has it!

  Occasionally, we have to re-learn some things like when a U. S. Driver goes to England where they drive on the left side of the road. Sometimes its tough re-learning something deeply "learned." Our "Horse" may rebel.

  Our Horse may tell us one of the great "Horse Lies."

  "If it feels wrong, it is wrong."

  No. It's not wrong; it's just different! But we tend to over-react to certain events and reject them outright.

  When we interact with others, we must learn to do the right thing, at the right time, with the right face, and the right tone. And we must stop our "Samsonite-ing." That is, keeping our "throw-backs" in our "luggage" just to use against someone when we "need" it, or can "use it against" someone.

  There are two key rules to keep in mind:

  1. Emotions mean absolutely nothing.
     
  2. Never trust your feelings.
  From the "Horse" perspective, emotions have to have three characteristics. They're always:
  • Real
  • Logical
  • Correct
  Again, this is from the "Horse" perspective -- so we can justify how we feel.

  Stop! Do a "Horse Analysis." Ask yourself, "Is it real, logical, correct for the `Horse' or the `Rider'?" This is very important:

  The Rider must always be consciously in control of your emotions!

  Here's an interesting point: The "Horse" is correct 95%-97% of the time. If you didn't have a "Horse" (subconscious), you wouldn't survive. But what's crucial is that 3%-5% when the "Horse" is not correct. Changing that makes all the difference!

  Letting "horses" have full control over "inconsequential" events or conflict today can get you killed! It doesn't make any sense to engage in this stuff. Why do we do it? Thank/do always: If you want to get mad, I'm not going to join you!

  Here's some homework:

  1) Listen to how everyone talks. They say, "You hurt my feelings." The real, true answer
  is this: "No, I didn't. I just gave you the event; your 'Horse' hurt your feelings!"
  2) Turn it (the talk) around.
  3) Do a "Horse Analysis." Ask, analyze: Is it real, logical, and correct?

  
  Ask the Johnny Carson Question: "How bad is it?" Ask, assess: How much, or little, do you really want to pay for it?

  Listen to people complain and proclaim their "hurt." Then use The Body Scale to decide how consequential something really is.

  Listen for how awful, horrendous, catastrophic people say things are. Then ask yourself, "How bad is it? Really?" The latter might be called "The Johnny Carson Scale." It too, is referenced and explained on the following page.

  "The Body Scale"
  50% - 100%: Permanent Consequences    |   0% - 49%: Temporary Consequences
  

  100% - the worst (death?)	45 - 4 broken limbs
  95 - 4 limbs cut off	40 - 3 broken limbs
  90 - 3 limbs cut off	35 - 2 broken limbs
  85 - 2 limbs cut off	30 - dominant arm broken
  80 - dominant arm cut off	25 - non-dominant arm broken
  75 - non-dominant arm cut off	20 - badly sprained ankle
  70 - 1 hand cut off	15 - laceration (4 stitches)
  65 - 1 foot cut off	10 - cut
  60 - 3 fingers cut off	5 - bruise
  55 - 3 toes cut off	1 - small bump
  50 -	0 -

  Now use what we might call "The Johnny Carson Scale" to assess how serious "events" really are.

  Johnny Carson??? Many of you may have wondered, "What in the world does Johnny Carson have to do with this scale business?" Those of you who have seen Johnny Carson do his monologue have seen him do something like this: He wiped the back of his hand across his forehead and said, "Boy, it was hot in Burbank today." The audience responded with, "How hot was it?" What I'm trying to get you to do with the Johnny Carson scale is to ask yourself, "How bad is it?" when something negative happens to you. If you have some sensible scale to measure how bad things are, then you can decide that some event ("A") is about a certain percentage bad. After you train your "horse" to use the scale, it will automatically give you a response that's logical for the percentage. Then, because you won't be over- or underreacting, you can do some behavior that is reasonable for the situation.

  Deductive Reasoning must be practiced. Use more information, facts, reasoning to figure out things. There's no such things as "magic" when dealing with facts. Then what about intuition? Yes, it happens. Intuition is when you become consciously aware of things of which you were previously only sub-consciously aware. The "Horse" deals with all this stuff, and when the "Rider" becomes aware of the conclusion, it only appears to be "magical." Let your subconscious work for you. The "Horse" can do some incredible stuff for us. Let it.

  Learned behavior is habitual! It takes about three weeks for new habits to be formed. Our "Horse" does not like change. It wants to maintain the status quo till we die.

  Do you want your "Horse" to be in control of your life? No! Start integrating change into your life on an incremental basis. Don't go too far, too soon and "over do" yourself. You might try just moving an appliance and see how often you find yourself going back to where it was, not where it now is. (Your "Horse" takes you back to where it was.) Just say and know:To improve myself, I must first improve, change, my behavior.

  Is your "Horse" winning? Yes. 97% of the time, it is.

  We understand the theories behind all of this; we just don't know how to make them work for us. That's why this Tom Miller approach is so vital to us.

  Dramatic performance improvement requires:

  • Changing behavior (It's said that humans have 200,000 to 500,000 distinctive traits and behaviors.
  • Keeping our "emotional pants" up
  • Not taking things too seriously
  • Not listening to "Horse Lies"

  When you ask, "How bad is it?", say to yourself:

  • It's only a "1" (or put in your own "Body Scale" number)...
  • And I can stand a "1" (a Body Scale number).

  Get acquainted with The Four Irrational Thinking Styles:

  1) Demandingness
  2) Awfulizing
  3) I Can't Stand It-itis
  4) Condemning and Damning

  Demandingness.

  We go about emotionally beating up ourselves and othersCmaking unrealistic demands, setting unrealistic expectations.
  MUST means that something is an "imperative requirement." You have to! You have no choice!
  Sometimes you may be told, "You must have that report in tomorrow!" Must you? The test questions are these:

  • Is it possible not to? Yes or No? Answer: Yes, it is.
    
  • Is it possible not to do so regardless of consequences? The answer is still yes, but you should consider whether you want to pay the consequences, the price that action will cause you.

  Nothing happens by "magic." Things happen as a result of a series of steps that make certain things happen. Events have happened because they "must" have happened. This is all about reality. They did happen, didn't they?

  Consider these three events:

  Event "O" - I'm standing, leaning at this table
  Event "X" - I'm holding a glass over someone's head
  Event "Y" - I'm rolling this person's pen in my palms.

  In their present tense, each one and only one of those things happened at a time. In past tense, all of those things did-must have-happened. You witnessed them. They did happen. But in future tense, none of these things must happen.

  To live up to the "must requirement/standard," something has to depict reality! Must describes...
  the "R-word:" REALITY.

  Must those things have happened? Yes. Because I did them! (Now take it easy, don't sweat all this inconsequential stuff!) Just remember, what we do is all learned behavior-force of habit.

  Remember too, we are all going to mess up, goof up. And our "Horse" will beat us up over it! Have "positive" negative consequences for "poor actions. Get "5" upset, but not "85" mad! If people know what to expect, they'll do it. "Speak up. Set limits. Say, "No!"

  I also suggest that you get a copy of the book by Dr. Thomas Gordon, Leader Effectiveness Training. It's available in paperback for $14.

  Always remember:

  • Use the right Time, Face, and Tone. Your tone carries 97% of the message. Record yourself. Listen to yourself. Become consciously aware of your tone. And make sure your tone is appropriate to the event.
  • Pay a reasonable price for each event.
  • Don't "drop your emotional pants," which is what happens when your "Horse" takes over a conflict situation.
  • Most importantly, remind yourself why you came (are) here:
    a) To get more out of life and your relationships;
    b) To be in control of your emotions; and
    c) To know and remember to pay a reasonable price.

  We can do anything we want to (do to) anybody, but we are always responsible for the event! If we know what will hurt someone, then don't do it! But with that said, remember too that each person is responsible for their own interpretation of events in their life. We are responsible only for our own.

  What are you doing to improve your value? In business? In relationships? Survival in the 90's: Life is tough today. Most people don't get full enjoyment out of life just by showing up. Life must be purposeful.

  The first thing the "Horse" says is generally accurate. It's when the "Horse" (subconscious/habit) does the interpretation that things go wrong. It's the over-reaction that's killing!

  Don't let yourself put your "value" in the possession (opinion) of another person.l Even if their worst-case scenario is true, it does not matter. Your value in life does not rest with any individualCother than yourself. Who has the control and power over how you feel? You do! Always deal with rational facts from the "Rider's" perspective. Always use "Rider Logic:" real, logical, correct.
  Avoid the Four Irrational Thinking Styles:
  

  Use "The System" -- what we teach.
  Understand "The Importance of Belief:"

  To the degree that you believe...,It will be there for you.

  When you pay an "emotional price" above "50" (Body Scale), know that you will be doing permanent damage to someone else or yourself. "The System" is about paying a reasonable price.

  Think about how   --   and how often   --   you will be paying and be willing to pay. What would you pay for events involving:

  • Forever. All the time   --   the "1-A's"
  • One Month (31 days), starting tomorrow   --   the "1-M's"
  • One Week (7 days), starting tomorrow   --   the "1-W's"
  • One Day (24 hours), starting now   --   the "1-D's"
  • Per Incident, starting now   --   the "1-I's"

  (The latter, "per incident," is how we really deal with people.)

  Often in relationships we must remind our "other" (those with whom we interact) what our motivations are. This can help them focus and interpret better. Otherwise they might misinterpret. (You're asking their suspicions.) Nobody's a mind reader!

  The best way to influence someone else is to start with your own behavior. To help position yourself to understand better and respond appropriately, say, "Just tell me what you need."

  Despite this, as far as "The System" is concerned, being assertive is alright!

  Just be careful with the "Horse Lies." Here's another:
  

  "If I accept something, that means (then) I approve of it."

  No! You accept something because that's reality. But that does not mean that you approve of it.
  If that's confusing, remember: "It's not JUST semantics. It's ALL semantics!" The point: How you interpret an event/circumstance determines how you respond. So the word choice you make is very important in terms of how you interpret things.

  When you mess up-and you will, ask, "How would I like to replay this?"
  Think of what's called the "bi-level split."

  The inaccurate use of the six action verbs constitutes demandingness, or what we call muster-bation. Let's create two levels of thinking: demanding and non-demanding.

  Demanding is composed of the inaccurate use of:

  "Should"
  "Ought"
  "Must"
  "Have to"
  "Got to"
  "Need to"

  Non-demanding is composed of some selection from:

  Wishing       --    Practicalities    --    Ethics    --    Probably
  Wanting       --    Sensibilities     --    Morals    --    Expect
  Preferring    --    It-would-be-      --    Values    --    Etiquette
  Desiring better-ifs

  If I had not explained about "should," and I asked you, "Where should something (any particular item) be?" you probably would say, "It should be (in any particular location you may designate)." This part of your thinking is correct; it is practical to keep things in a particular place. This is a very sensible non-demanding statement. However, when you then go to saying to other persons, "You should be practical (or whatever you might say they should be)," you are making the magical jump from non-demanding to demanding. This is what I'm trying to get you to stop doing.

  Remember: The sentence that keep my/your "emotional pants" up is this:

  The event (whatever it was) should have happened and it's about a "1" (your own assigned Body Scale number) bad and I can stand a "1"   (whatever "Body Scale" number you assign).

  Awfulizing.

  Let us agree on certain assumptions: 1) 100% = All. 2) Negative = Bad.     Agree? (YES/NO)

  Logical deduction: Bad things that can happen to you or me range from .001 degrees of badness up to the maximum 100%. They cannot go over 100%. List the bad things that have happened or could happen to you. The only restriction for this list is that those bad events cannot happen physically to your body.

  • Isolated
  • Occasional
  • Frequent
  • Worst ever
  • Worst possible.

  Now place these in proper perspective by using The Body Scale. Then transform the "Awfulizing" by using the so-called Johnny Carson Scale (question): "How bad is it?"

  "I Can't Stand It-itis."

  The sentence that drops my/you "emotional pants" is this:

  That event (whatever it was) shouldn't have happened, it's awful that it did, I can't stand it, and somebody around here needs to be condemned and damned as rotten and worthless. Let's see, is it me, is it you or is it the way the world works?

  So, please read, sign and date the following:

  I fully realize and accept the fact that I'm living proof that I've stood everything that's ever happened to me. I'm going to be able to stand and handle everything that's going to happen to me except the one thing that's going to kill me.

       (    X    )
  Signature Date

  The Point is: Every time you get yourself overly upset, you are demanding something, and that demanding is just as stupid as my demanding that something, for example, on the floor not belinging there should jump up into my/your hand. Please read, remember and sign the following.

  I, being of sound mind and body, do fully realize and admit that I do not, haven't ever and won't ever run the universe.

       (    X    )
  Signature Date

  Condemning and Damning. There are two variables for self-esteem:

  1. Incoming demonstrations of love, acceptance, approval, et cetera.

  2. Our own competency skills   --    how well we do things: our personal traits and behaviors. (Once again, it's estimated that there are between 200,000 and 500,000 distinctive human traits and behaviors.)

  When someone's angry, the "blinders" go on that person's "Horse." Then we tend only to see the focal point of our anger. We get "tunnel vision." All the good traits and behaviors disappear; we fall into the trap of "Dichotomous Thinking." That's when we tend to see events circumstances/options, etc. as "all or nothing"   --    nothing between our either   --    or choices.

  Here's a formula for disaster: TV + DT = T

  Translation: Tunnel Vision (TV) + Dichotomous Thinking (DT) equals Trouble (T).

  How often do we have the tendency to say, "If only..." This is "Horse Talk!!"

  How is it that any of us dare to do the things to ourselves that we would never do to anyone else!

  If someone else does manipulate-or attempt to-that way, who gave them that power, that right to do such injustice to us? We do/did. You must learn to tell yourself the exact same supportive, encouraging thing(s) you would tell your own best buddy. Take back the power of controlling your life. And let no one have the power or authority to take your rightful forth and self-regard away from you. Only you have that power!

  And when you suffer a loss, grieve the loss-don't shut down! Don't get unreasonably angry.

  Anger is not a primary emotion. It comes from:

  • Hurt
  • Inadequacy or inferiority (feelings of)
  • Anxiety (though it's not always bad; it gets you prepared to the worst.)
  • Depression (It's dangerous if it's long-term. It may produce negative compulsive behavior.)
  • Guilt (It comes from "Horses," not-as some say-mothers!)

  Get control of the things in your life before they threaten your life and/or your future.

  When others you care about are down in the doldrums, tell them, "If you want to go through self-pity, I'll let you. But I'm not going to join you. I love you too much."

  In Albert Ellis's model, "The System" is as simple as "The ABC's." Any event can be broken down into:

  A = Activating Event
  B = Beliefs held by the parties    --    the determinate factor (can be perceived as options B¹ or B²)
  C = Consequences   --   for which there are two...
  C¹ = Feelings. Emotions.
  C² = Reaction. Behavior.

  Here's how it looks conceptually:

  The A!   B!   C!    System

  A. He gives her flowers | Her possible responses:

  /                           \
  Option B1	Option B2
  "He cares about me." "Isn't that wonderful?"	"What's he up to?" "He's done something wrong."
  |                                                  |
  Option C1	Option C2
  Gives some flowers to her	His C2: Gives some flowers to her Her C2: Gets some flowers from him
  |                                                  |
  "Wow, am I lucky!"	"He's just trying to use me."

  C¹ - Happy: Emotional Consequences     |     C² - Suspicious: Behavioral Consequences

  The way the female feels is determined by what she thinks his motivation is. His actual motivation could be one of several things. It could be he wants to express his affection for her, and to do that, he decided to give her flowers. Or, it could be he had done something wrong, is feeling guilty and anxious, and decided to try to distract her by giving her flowers. Or, he is just trying to get her into bed, really does not care that much about her and thinks flowers is the way to do it. All of these motivations are going to lead him to the same thing: give some flowers to her.

  Let's look at his "B's":
  

  A. He gives her flowers | His possible motives and responses:

  /                           \
  Option B1	Option B2
  1. "I really care about her and I want to express it somehow." 2. "I'd better get her some flowers so that I can get her into bed."	1. "I have to distract her so she won't think anything is up.?" 2. "I'll give her some flowers."
  |                                                  |
  Option C1	Option C2
  Gives some flowers to her	His C2: Gives some flowers to her Her C2: Gets some flowers from him
  |                                                  |
  "Wow, am I lucky!"	"He's just trying to use me."

  C¹ - Happy: Emotional Consequences     |     C² - Suspicious: Behavioral Consequences

  Note: His Option C² is the same as her "A".

  In both instances, their responses, based on their respective belief systems, are the same!

  In closing, be prepared to embrace change(s). Don't resist, or it/they will knock you down.